Black is Beautiful…

Black is Beautiful…

…but why does it have to be from the Motherland, tall and thin? many times i get caught up in the whole color issue and i recognize that my own people have issues with me and how i appear to them.

…i know i am beautiful

…i know i am black

…i know i am confused why i am still single and why i can’t find a good black man

there are men of many other ethnicities who want my attention, but it seems as if i am simply a flash in the pan, curious exploration (done so slowly that i don’t stick around long enough for them to get their nerve up), or notch on a bedpost.

…that’s not what Goddess wants

i mean to offend no one but perhaps i will but i fall more into the category of Aunt Jemima rather than Iman.

…i am not so tall

…i am not so thin

…i am not so exotic

i am just me…

…i am

…black

…i am

…beautiful

…Goddess…

superhero or geek for love?

some days i just want to hide my geekiness. to just long enough to find a nice guy and not scare him off immediately. i appear to be a fairly neuro-typical chick until i open my damned mouth. there are days when i wish i could just run a mic and tape and have a translator put my speech into regulo-speak. hell yeah, i’ll wear a battery pack in my shoe…

how in the hell do people notice? i don’t but every one else does. i guess when my vocabulary shoots over their heads or when i start rambling on about what i am studying or hey how about when i start conversations about what i heard on “Science Fridays” on NPR.
damn damn damn!

some days i want so badly not to be geeky. then again why not?

it is like having to choose between super powers and obscurity.

on one hand, you get all the fame of being super and being able to do amazing things. people who want you for your specialness and not for who you are.it doesn’t matter what you look like because people are able to look the other way because you have something they want. people who want to just be seen with you to boost their own egos. but with fame comes a great deal more of the negative issues related to having it all. after a while i would suppose you would be wishing for obscurity again.
hmmmmm…

maybe i should wish for super powers so that i could at least enjoy what i know i wouldn’t want my life to be like so when i head back into geeky obscurity, it won’t seem as bad as it is now in terms of love.

goddess

On to the next one (my list just got

I’m just too independent for a great many men. It has to get better after a while. The wonderful man I met turned out to be a little to clingy for my liking. All that existed in our relationship revolved around me but I was not a welcome sun in this solar system. It has to be a balanced infatuation. I was really into this guy at the onset of the relationship but he got really serious really fast and we stopped having fun.
Not… Fun… At… All…
It is important that you come from something when you begin a relationship. If all you have are acquaintances and co-workers as your circle of friends, you are going to be in a real pickle if you begin a relationship with a social butterfly.
I firmly believe that I am the person I am because of my experiences with other human beings and living creatures both large and small, plant and animal.
How can you relate to me when you have no memory of how you came to be? Does that put you in a category of persons with no social skills? Not 100% but pretty damned close.
There are things you just have to KNOW what to do to survive and be content in this world of personalities.
Think about it .//
If you are unable to read social cues how can you perform satisfactorily in public. If you are ribbing a person with something you thought was funny and the person is done laughing, do you continue to play up the joke even if the other person has said they were done enjoying the joke with their mannerisms and behavior? Often times you will stop when you see that either the joke was lost completely or over. Both sides agree to do so by reading each others faces and body language.
I have not lost faith in the world of dating.
I just need to remember where I put it.

To be continued…

Goddess

Companionship? love? or a reason to commit murder?

Who the hell in sam fuck all decided that men were necessary for companionship?

i am willing to bet you that a man did.
I find myself lately on a daily basis trying to figure out why i continue to find difficult men in my quest for I-don’t-wanna-be-single-no-more-hood.
i fully recognize that i myself, am a difficult person.
i hide no shame in my ability to be a pain in the ass WHILE expressing my opinions.
i understand that i am not perfect and it is not plausible for me to expect perfection of others.

i know. i know. i know.

i wasn’t born yesterday.
so why do all the men i date act like i was?

i’m either finding someone who can’t stay away from me lest i crumble into a pillar of salt. or someone who turns out to be gay. better still, who treats me like dirt because they think i should pay for all the bitches who did them wrong. wait, don’t forget the dude from the bay with the crazy fetish.
i am not here for emotional target practice.
i’m holding the UZI. perhaps that’s why the pickings are so slim on my side of the LZ

What i don’t understand is why i like my DOG more than men most days. No matter how hard i try, i seem to find my equal in bullheadedness with the men i date. i want to know what the hell i did to cause the backlash that i experience every day that i am in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. did i sacrifice my youngest on the alter in 75 B.C. with my wife wailing in the background? did i punish all girls in my village with blond hair by removing their ears? was i the dude lucky enough to be chosen to select the virgin for tossing into the volcano?

what in the hell did i do? i was looking at some books in my shed today and i found the book “loving a difficult man” and almost fell backwards and down the stairs. i obviously stayed in a relationship far too long if i had bought that book. good for me because of the title even better for the author. what if the author had been honest and published it with the right title “how to put up with a difficult man” or better yet, “how to bury a difficult man…and get away with it scott free to be able to live your life the way you want it with the perfect mate”. what would the author stand to lose?
riiiiiiiiiiiiight!
not much. “why” you ask?
because women are desperate and will buy anything that will tell them that a relationship will work out if they just put their nose to the grindstone. so what if she spends the rest of her life looking like “he who shall not be named” at least she stuck around long enough to prove all of the feminists, lesbians and bitter ex-wives wrong.

shame on me for thinking that i could find a good man.

i am surely coming to the conclusion that i may never find the right one.

as i type this, i have one in my bed right now snoozing away because he was more tired than he was willing to work on something that has been bothering me for the past week.
do i know what that is? no. I AM A WOMAN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

we are supposed to be so in love.
then i got to thinking about how it seems that he is the one in love with me more than i with him.
i expect to be able to be myself but the self that he is sometimes is more than i can stand. why? be cause i am the picky one? because i am the one who can’t seem to listen to the voice of reason… *ahem* manly *ahem* reason?

yeah.
probably.

women are not supposed to be the most rational beasts on the planet but sometimes men need to turn off their need to fix shit and just shove a sock in their mouths and LISTEN! i truly feel that if international conflicts can be solved this way, so can relationships (no really, i heard it did work once, but i think it was either Jimmy Carter talking or Bill Clinton).

this tends to not be the situation… not even close. someone always has to love one more than they other. there has to be imbalance. why have relationships if you can’t have conflict? why have relationships if you don’t have something to work on? why have relationships if you can’t have a reason to sit out in the living room and blog instead of heading to bed at 12:44am on a Sunday morning even though you were up at 6:30am being rushed out of bed to take the dogs to the dog park because you would be invited to a complaint-fest if you said you wanted to go at 8am because someone likes to over plan shit?

is that fair?
*stomps feet*
who the hell wrote the book on love?
*shakes fist at the sky*

oh yeah. see line 3…

to be continued…

goddess

More to Love

There is a tv show out there that chaps my hide…

It is a reality dating show that centers around an overweight, single man looking for love among a pool of plus-sized women.

I am not happy with this setup.

First off, the Bachelor seems like a bit of a pig (and y’all know I ain’t talking about his waist size). Just looking at him size up (yeah…. pun intended) the women as they came to meet him at the entryway of the mansion where the contestants were to stay had me thinking that he looked like a very hungry dog who just came across a tasty bit of road kill.

The difference to me seems that the slimmer women on the other shows have a whole lot more confidence (or it must be harder to find bigger women willing to be in the nation’s living rooms) than the women on this show they all seem so broken and most of them have managed to break down while talking to the date cam.

I hope they have a therapist and have learned after the Susan Boyle incident that we have to treat all contestants like they are human beings not ratings.

Goddess

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Speed Dating for Single Book Lovers Pt. Deux

The time has come to reveal how I feel about the actual night of speed dating.
I was more than surprised to see the turnout. I am glad most people were classy and did not dress like they were going to the gym or going to the swingers bar.

I was very very worried that I was going to encounter black men who thought that “Hop on Pop” was a choice item of literature to present with on their name tag for the dating games.

Mind you, this was a room filled with primarily black men from all walks of life but what I did not see was all the bling and the grillz. none none none

They loved all kinds of books from war manuals that have been adapted to workplace manuals, science fiction, poetry and history.
They knew their stuff and I was rightly impressed.

I got my email just the other day advising me of my choices.
Now see, you can’t get a match unless they put your number down on the card as well.
I put down about 7 matches and came back with a final tally of 4 guys.

I went to look at the names and believe it or not, a couple of them I figured out their names because I had my ears wide open the whole time I was threre.

No, I was not sitting there looking pretty. I was listening like a beagle for a gopher in a field of grass.

yaya for me.
I am proud of my self (as has been said by my Auntie Terrie) for getting off my duff and dragging myself out to the place. I was pleasantly surprised because I took a chance and was rewarded by meeting a group of interesting men who took the time to be knowledgeable of what they were being asked to discuss.

all but married man…

let me tell you about married man.
shame on his boogie man behind for bringing his separated behind up in the place. he even had the gall to wear his ring!!! I am almost sure no one picked him after he decided that he could grab some food. he was my last date and the whole time I sat and talked to him, he was sitting there EATING! Negro, put down your food, take a swig of water, pop a breath mint and talk to me.

I swear, i I had to hear any more of his grunting between mouthfuls of food and mayo running down his arm, I would have run from the building screaming like I was getting paid for it.

*note to self* be thankful that speeding dating is just that; SPEED DATING… 3 minutes was almost more than I can take.

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Speed Dating for Single Book Lovers Pt. One

Tonight is the night. I am headed out to Speed Dating for Single Book Lovers.
Yay Me!

The idea is wonderful. The drive is short…

Getting ready is a nightmare!

I figured, “pick up a cute outfit, put on a little makeup and head out the door.”

HA!!

What that really means is
Take a shower and get dressed???
Don Pardo, tell her what else she has to do.

I not only had to wash my face and body, I had to shave my legs. I then discovered that I had armpits I had to take care of as well (thank the lord I don’t have a problem with stray chest hairs.

*Next life, I wish to be Amazonian Princess Nijeela who doesn’t give a flying fig newton about shaving her legs because any man who doth protest shall be slayed. 🙂

So to got through the shower and all of the hair and had to get into this incredible invention call Spanx. Jim crackin’ dandy. No problem I think, and then I realize why I have to put it on…. to hold everything together. The hard part is that I have to get all of that everything into the sock.

To give you an idea of this little thing I have to tuck my thighs behind stomach and ribcage into, it will fit in the palm of my hand. hahahahahaha *stops the mad cackle*
i get it past my thighs and i come to the behind and I have to sit down. Not because this is where i have to do more adjusting. I am exhausted after the thigh event.

I dance like I need rain for another 10 minutes and then over the behind it went. that is my Biggest issue (not using the word biggest lightly) and off to put on my slip of a dress. I have to say Spanx rocks!

Into the bathroom for the makeup and I get the shadow and the eyeliner and the lip liner and all that stuff tat comes with it all and ignore the errant chin hair and just leave it for conversation if any of my fellow speed daters notices it.

Another 10 minutes to find a pair of shoes and a purse that match the dress and I am out the door. Good thing hair is not an issue this week.

stay tuned for Part Deux.

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Bring on the procession of single men!

Sometimes I just get these thoughts in my head and I toss them around and then throw them away. Some of the thoughts stay and boy has Arranged Marriage stuck with me!

Who better to pick someone who would be great for you than someone else?
The people doing the choosing are also relatives of yours? Aren’t there some Thanksgiving dinners where you just want to throw a roll at your Uncle Tony or hide the liquor from Auntie CeeCee?
Yeah. I bet you feel me on this one.
They want what is best for you as well as your family even if they are drunks and criminals.

Someone please tell me how an adaptation of Arranged Marriages can work in America. I am Sooooooo open to this idea it is scary.

first comes compatibility then comes love.
Somehow it makes more sense to me.

Help a sistah out

i can’t believe my life is like this

It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have ‘baggage’.

i didn’t realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can’t even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.

i don’t like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?

i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.

i never in my life thought it could be this tough.

i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.

i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.

it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat’s ass about what he wants.

*sigh*

wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.

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