take your pick asshole, asphyxiation or the mouth of an active volcano?

I have been trying so hard to maintain a certain level of calm with regard to some of the things my son’s father does and i guess i have reached the end of my proverbial rope.

let me nail down some facts….

1. been divorced almost 9 years

2. been raising genius XY most on my own for those 9 years

3. genius XY was a vegetarian from birth

4. all that changed when i added fish

5. changed some more when i added chicken to our diet

somewhere between 5. and now, dad decided that it would be practical to sway genius XY from eating chicken. his plan:

1. constant discussion about how i am not following his plan of raising genius XY; i.e., raising him catholic and not TM style, raising him as a black child and not a white one (stew on this one for a while), not keeping him away from his ‘dangerous’ family members (in quotes for a reason), and not keeping him a vegetarian.

2. making genius XY feel guilty for eating meat

3. having genius XY watch a film “Meet Your Meat” from PETA on the care of farm raised chickens, aka chickens slaughtered for human consumption.

now back to my list…

6. chicken is cheap

7. chicken is easier to prepare 1,000,000 different ways

8. chicken is tasty

i have been cool, calm, and collected long enough but i guess i just have to vent here because i can’t change who my son’s father is. i can just change how i react to him. as a result, Goddess has decided to let it all out in my blog, then keep it movin’.

genius XY watching ‘Meet Your Meat’ has caused absolute CHAOS at my fucking dinner table. not an evening has gone by when i haven’t had to sit down to eat a meal of chicken to watch my child pick and nibble at his meal short of tears because he has so much trouble eating The Chickens. he is all fucked up over parts of the chicken and parts of what he sees of the film while he is eating. did his father not recognize that this would happen?

absol-fuckin-lutely not!he meant best but he doesn’t feed him meat at his home so he doesn’t have to deal with this.

perhaps he thought that milo would just make a decision to stop eating meat like Lisa Simpson did and all would be good in the hood. downside to this is that genius XY is not a able to give up chicken because his mother buys chicken that was alright until “Meet Your Meat”.

tonight i’d had it and i explained to him why i am always so cranky at dinner time. it is because his father has committed a terrorist act on the sanctity of my home and dropped a table side incendiary device onto my dining room and kitchen.

i feel like i am punishing him everytime i feed him chicken and i can’t afford to go out and buy the tender veggie nuggets or make him tofu because he will then be VERY hungry before bedtime because he is a growing boy!!!!!!

i want to choke the shit out of this man on a good day and drop him into the mouth of an active volcano on days like this.

image

Goddess (yes, the very angry one )

 

I’VE BEEN OUTED!!!!!!!

I know i have mentioned that my ex-husband used to write and record music right? well…..
he came to pick up Milo and told me that he posted a song/video to youtube. I am kinda laughing and kinda appalled, but the song is still flippin’ catchy.

i feel like i have been outed as a Communist of something. what is also interesting is that i don’t care.

note to all:
i sang back up!
note to my LGBQT friends:
he doesn’t hate gay people

i can’t believe my life is like this

It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have ‘baggage’.

i didn’t realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can’t even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.

i don’t like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?

i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.

i never in my life thought it could be this tough.

i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.

i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.

it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat’s ass about what he wants.

*sigh*

wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.


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