“But you LOOK fine!” STFU!!!!

*recently inspired by http://www.giveneyestosee.com

 

 

i have been saying for years but have recently, stopped saying because it isn’t worth it to me anymore.

seriously, it is the outward opinion of others that i “look just fine” that drives me to the edge. i look fine. i look so happy. i look like i am truly enjoying life.
if only they knew what it took for me to get out of bed that morning. if they only knew the pain i smile through and the constant movement i create in my body to block the actual pain. if they only knew that sleeping for 12 hours ain’t shit!
if only they knew that i can’t play “slug bug” like everyone else… (god bless my little Milo. i taught him how to play it and keep mom out of pain)

not a day goes by in which i don’t remember or am not reminded that everything SHOULD be fine.

i look fine.

i’m not

i’m tired

i’m in pain but…

i’m strong

i’m hanging in there

i’m on my own timetable

i’m me
i’m living with fibromyalgia and it’s as okay as it’s gonna get for now.

i feel some of what she feels and i don’t feel so alone anymore…..

 

 

Goddess

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This one will bring tears to your eyes! i see music as the saving grace for our nations of the world.
just … imagine…music…teaching…cooperation

Bobby McFerrin walks into a UN meeting and leads them in this demonstration of togetherness and cooperation. no need for interpreters, armed guards, lobbyists, nuclear weapons…..

just hearts and sound. music from within.

why is this so hard to imagine?

now listen to it again from the beginning with your eyes closed and see this happen. if we all do this…

it will

Goddess

Black is Beautiful…

Black is Beautiful…

…but why does it have to be from the Motherland, tall and thin? many times i get caught up in the whole color issue and i recognize that my own people have issues with me and how i appear to them.

…i know i am beautiful

…i know i am black

…i know i am confused why i am still single and why i can’t find a good black man

there are men of many other ethnicities who want my attention, but it seems as if i am simply a flash in the pan, curious exploration (done so slowly that i don’t stick around long enough for them to get their nerve up), or notch on a bedpost.

…that’s not what Goddess wants

i mean to offend no one but perhaps i will but i fall more into the category of Aunt Jemima rather than Iman.

…i am not so tall

…i am not so thin

…i am not so exotic

i am just me…

…i am

…black

…i am

…beautiful

…Goddess…

Happy Mother’s day

Not a day goes by that I don’t sit and thank the heavens above for my little Milo. When i think about the difficult decisions that I had to go through to have him, I would never choose a different struggle. He attracts the hearts of many around him. He gives you all that he has inside and sometimes gives too much. I am thankful that he can do that. I can’t truly say that I taught him, I think he’s been doing for quite a few years. he’s got something of a been there, done that frame of mind and it helps to take the stress off his living. He is mine alone and belongs to the world as well.
I continue to dig this mother thing.
Happy mothers day to all the otha mothas!!!

Goddess

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superhero or geek for love?

some days i just want to hide my geekiness. to just long enough to find a nice guy and not scare him off immediately. i appear to be a fairly neuro-typical chick until i open my damned mouth. there are days when i wish i could just run a mic and tape and have a translator put my speech into regulo-speak. hell yeah, i’ll wear a battery pack in my shoe…

how in the hell do people notice? i don’t but every one else does. i guess when my vocabulary shoots over their heads or when i start rambling on about what i am studying or hey how about when i start conversations about what i heard on “Science Fridays” on NPR.
damn damn damn!

some days i want so badly not to be geeky. then again why not?

it is like having to choose between super powers and obscurity.

on one hand, you get all the fame of being super and being able to do amazing things. people who want you for your specialness and not for who you are.it doesn’t matter what you look like because people are able to look the other way because you have something they want. people who want to just be seen with you to boost their own egos. but with fame comes a great deal more of the negative issues related to having it all. after a while i would suppose you would be wishing for obscurity again.
hmmmmm…

maybe i should wish for super powers so that i could at least enjoy what i know i wouldn’t want my life to be like so when i head back into geeky obscurity, it won’t seem as bad as it is now in terms of love.

goddess

haven’t written any prose in a while…

The phone rings while I am on the phone with a friend. I don’t answer it in time but I decide (against my better judgment, mind you ) to check the message…

It is a call from the substitute teacher telling me that she has been the sub for the week and that Milo has had a pretty “rough” week. I am almost laughing as I listen to the message. He has not had a rough week, his teacher who knows her class is not there. Who’s at fault? Milo? The rest of the kids in class? The rooster up the street? No. The substitute teacher and the administrators at the school. Maybe even the teacher herself.

Teachers, if you have a difficult class, please feel free to take the time to tell a substitute teacher about the class. Do not assume that the children will behave differently read: positively, when you are gone. Please expect the behavior to remain the same in your absence. Please let the parents know that you will be absent so that we can help our children prepare for the change, set boundaries and present them with consequences if things do not go as planned. Hell, ask for parent volunteers for that week. I know there are others who have signed the list to help and have not been called ( me included )THAT is how you set a child up for success.

The substitute wanted me to “have a little chat with” Milo so that he can have a better day tomorrow. Do you need me to beat his ass? Do you need me to ground him for a week from his video games? Do you want me to come get him for the rest of the day? Yes, let me have a little chat with my son about something that I have nothing but second hand information on.

Apparently, he splashed water on a kid in the lunch room and got a citation for that.
*screeching brakes*
Do you really write citations for water? Did you only write one for Milo because the other kid was wet? Do think maybe the other kid ( who Milo said did it first ) had bad aim? I get so tired of people expecting me to discipline him for behaviors unknown to me. I say if they want to teach him how to act at school, THEY handle it at the school. Don’t send him home to me so I can ask him how his day went, only to hear that he was on a green day and that everything had gone fine.
I would expect more from people trained exclusively to work with children. You change behavior when you correct it at the source. You don’t send it home to an overworked, stressed exhausted parent to handle because it is too much on your plate. Make the kids run laps. If there is no medical excuse on file, it is not cruelty. If they need to leave you class for a while, please make sure they are doing something active and helpful. Don’t just send them to be idle in another class because ( duh ) they will get in more trouble.

From now on school, you are going to get my opinion on the back of your useless ( and unsigned ) citation letting you know that I cannot punish my son based on hearsay.

Now if you want me to come sit in your class all day….

I didn’t think so.

Goddess

A new chapter in my life…

I am taking an adaptive Physical Education class and I am having a blast in it. The class is an introduction to the instruction of PE to children s with disabilities. As a part of the class, we are required to do service hours with a few projects around town. I chose project Play. We have many children who are brought together from the area with mild to moderate disabilities. Children in this program can be working with Autism, Down’s syndrome, Intellectual Disabilities and some physical disabilities.

Tonight was my first night and I was assigned Jacob*. He came with his grandmother Verne*. He is staying with Verne while his mom is on active duty in the military. Jacob has high functioning Autism. He is bright as everything and so willing to direct and make sure everything is done to his liking.

I filled out an info card with Verne and then went to play (he would not come to meet me so I had to go out and initiate contact). Jacob has some issues with socialization and behavior. He is an only child so it is complicated by the fact that he is not the most social child and already is the center of his universe by his circumstance.

We played. I mean we PLAYED. He wasn’t sure how to start so he ran from corner to corner trying to find things to do. We played with some bouncy balls and then I could see his mind switch on. He got a jump rope and proceeded to turn a basketball hoop into a trap for bouncy balls. It was interesting to see that many people around him seemed to think that he was having trouble doing what he liked. He would take a large ball and put it in a tube so that it would block the exit. He would then stuff as many balls as he wanted into it to make an avalanche. I watched and watched and watched him. I wanted to see how he was doing. He was having a ball until an adult came by to “help” him. She took the ball out and I could see his fists clench and his face turn down and his elbows go out. He was ready for a fight.

Let’s just say that distraction is a wonderful thing and works even better when you are in a gym filled with toys. We found something else to do and he ran me for the entire 90 minutes I was there. He wanted to collect balls and it took me a minute to recognize that he only wanted one kind of ball. BLUE! I could not figure out why he was ignoring so many other balls. THAT was exhausting and I had a fear that we were going to be going around all night looking for every blue ball so I helped him along by making it a hunt. We found all of the balls.

Jacob is working on sharing and his socialization skills. So I worked on him asking for things from some of the other kids. He would have me start then he would finish. It took a while to go to the other kid who loved to collect balls. He crept up to the side of the play structure the other child was in and tried to start the conversation, when up popped the other child offering him a ball. You should have seen his eyes light up!

At the same time, another group of kids had gotten a hold of the balls that he had so diligently collected and began to spread them through the gym. I hopped into distraction mode and let him know that we needed to go look for something else blue. That came in the form of the roller turtle. You know those little things we used to have races with at the roller rinks when we were kids? I chased and chased and chased and yeah. I’m still tired.

My ass was exhausted. I had to sit down so I asked him to count the balls with me. He was more than willing to watch me count but didn’t want to help. Oh well, this is called Project Play. So I counted (and RESTED) and he watched.

Jacob has high functioning Autism. Most people would look at him now and think he was a kid with only behavior problems if they did not know his history. His mother knew something was not going right with her son’s development and she took it upon herself to make sure that services were in place. She did a fabulous job because he is functioning at a level that will make things more manageable as time goes on. For him and for his teachers and peers.

I have to admit it, I am the kind of person who will fall in love with a child at first sight or make up my mind that I don’t want to work with them as well. He is a challenge, but I am enjoying my time. When it was time to go, he switched to “NO” mode. That was a little difficult to deal with but he recognized that I was not going to tolerate that for long. He was running and playing and scooting around on the turtle and was not ready to go. I reminded him of all the things I did for him and let him know that I have a little boy that I have to get home to and take care of.

We got him to put up the toys and headed out the door and we waked to the car. I chatted with Verne on the way out and started to walk to my car.

Jacob grabbed my arm and took me back to Verne’s car, opened the car door and motioned for me to come with them. I let him know that I was sorry I could not go but that I would see him next time and into the car he went.

I am going to love this physically exhausting opportunity. I was not sure if I could offer any more love to a child and there I was handing out more.

Even though she is gone….

i am still haunted by the things she did behind my back. i am losing it over my cell phone bill. she has not enough common sense or conscience to realize that she cannot take a phone that was given to her for contact with home and add 26 dollars worth of ring tones?
yes i am still in not so happy mood but, but damn! is there a way to cleanse my live of the irritation?

some people will say to pray. been there done that still doing that
some people recommend retail therapy. broke and jobless. plus i am paying for the bills she racked up while here.
some people say to let it go. check out my answer to retail therapy part three.

i still want to shake her parents.
i want to shake fate for dealing her such a blow.
i want to yell at the chromosomes in her body for jacking her up beyond what i can handle
i want to napalm the system. they let her down like no child should be let down.

wow! i guess i will have to stick to my same advice that i give to myself and VENT!

in time it will get better.
i pray.

goddess

Breathing on my own again…

I get to have my life back. I wonder what kind of life i had that made me want to give it up so easily.

Foster parenting. I have had the very best/worst (depends on who you are) initiation a person could ever have into foster parenting. I think that the most important thing in foster care is the parents. if you take the time and energy to make sure that your parents are prepared and ready to encounter the children who come through their homes, the children will be headed into a far better situation.

in my situation with my first foster child, what i got was a hazing like i pledged a college sorority. i didn’t want to have a rough time with a child. i didn’t want to resent the fact that i was attempting to parent a child in a way that was more than foreign to me and not working to boot. there is a lot of psychological child raising that is not working with the human element.
I know you can praise your dogs and they will do good for you. when you work with children, you begin to notice that you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog when it comes to your ability to train a child but someone out there writing these books may want to consider having some children of their own before telling those of us who do how to raise them.

they have personalities. they have opinions. worst of all, they have rights.

more rights than you; an over the age of 18, 21, able to drink, vote and get shot in a war have.

when did they decide that children needed more rights than adults? when people who abused their children got careless. i am sure for many generations it was okay to “spare the rod or spoil the child”. this worked when you had children who did not go to school because of the harvest and a solid beating was enough to keep them doing their work so that the family wouldn’t starve or freeze over the winter.
industrialized civilization had to find a place to put all the crumb-snatchers while the parents were out working in the cities in factories during the war effort and beating out a meager existence when Wall Street crashed.

what happened is that children became known as the less capable of humans.

those less capable of caring for themselves had to be protected from those whose place it was to care for them.

systems put in place led us to where we are now.

Goddess