take your pick asshole, asphyxiation or the mouth of an active volcano?

I have been trying so hard to maintain a certain level of calm with regard to some of the things my son’s father does and i guess i have reached the end of my proverbial rope.

let me nail down some facts….

1. been divorced almost 9 years

2. been raising genius XY most on my own for those 9 years

3. genius XY was a vegetarian from birth

4. all that changed when i added fish

5. changed some more when i added chicken to our diet

somewhere between 5. and now, dad decided that it would be practical to sway genius XY from eating chicken. his plan:

1. constant discussion about how i am not following his plan of raising genius XY; i.e., raising him catholic and not TM style, raising him as a black child and not a white one (stew on this one for a while), not keeping him away from his ‘dangerous’ family members (in quotes for a reason), and not keeping him a vegetarian.

2. making genius XY feel guilty for eating meat

3. having genius XY watch a film “Meet Your Meat” from PETA on the care of farm raised chickens, aka chickens slaughtered for human consumption.

now back to my list…

6. chicken is cheap

7. chicken is easier to prepare 1,000,000 different ways

8. chicken is tasty

i have been cool, calm, and collected long enough but i guess i just have to vent here because i can’t change who my son’s father is. i can just change how i react to him. as a result, Goddess has decided to let it all out in my blog, then keep it movin’.

genius XY watching ‘Meet Your Meat’ has caused absolute CHAOS at my fucking dinner table. not an evening has gone by when i haven’t had to sit down to eat a meal of chicken to watch my child pick and nibble at his meal short of tears because he has so much trouble eating The Chickens. he is all fucked up over parts of the chicken and parts of what he sees of the film while he is eating. did his father not recognize that this would happen?

absol-fuckin-lutely not!he meant best but he doesn’t feed him meat at his home so he doesn’t have to deal with this.

perhaps he thought that milo would just make a decision to stop eating meat like Lisa Simpson did and all would be good in the hood. downside to this is that genius XY is not a able to give up chicken because his mother buys chicken that was alright until “Meet Your Meat”.

tonight i’d had it and i explained to him why i am always so cranky at dinner time. it is because his father has committed a terrorist act on the sanctity of my home and dropped a table side incendiary device onto my dining room and kitchen.

i feel like i am punishing him everytime i feed him chicken and i can’t afford to go out and buy the tender veggie nuggets or make him tofu because he will then be VERY hungry before bedtime because he is a growing boy!!!!!!

i want to choke the shit out of this man on a good day and drop him into the mouth of an active volcano on days like this.

image

Goddess (yes, the very angry one )

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This one will bring tears to your eyes! i see music as the saving grace for our nations of the world.
just … imagine…music…teaching…cooperation

Bobby McFerrin walks into a UN meeting and leads them in this demonstration of togetherness and cooperation. no need for interpreters, armed guards, lobbyists, nuclear weapons…..

just hearts and sound. music from within.

why is this so hard to imagine?

now listen to it again from the beginning with your eyes closed and see this happen. if we all do this…

it will

Goddess

superhero or geek for love?

some days i just want to hide my geekiness. to just long enough to find a nice guy and not scare him off immediately. i appear to be a fairly neuro-typical chick until i open my damned mouth. there are days when i wish i could just run a mic and tape and have a translator put my speech into regulo-speak. hell yeah, i’ll wear a battery pack in my shoe…

how in the hell do people notice? i don’t but every one else does. i guess when my vocabulary shoots over their heads or when i start rambling on about what i am studying or hey how about when i start conversations about what i heard on “Science Fridays” on NPR.
damn damn damn!

some days i want so badly not to be geeky. then again why not?

it is like having to choose between super powers and obscurity.

on one hand, you get all the fame of being super and being able to do amazing things. people who want you for your specialness and not for who you are.it doesn’t matter what you look like because people are able to look the other way because you have something they want. people who want to just be seen with you to boost their own egos. but with fame comes a great deal more of the negative issues related to having it all. after a while i would suppose you would be wishing for obscurity again.
hmmmmm…

maybe i should wish for super powers so that i could at least enjoy what i know i wouldn’t want my life to be like so when i head back into geeky obscurity, it won’t seem as bad as it is now in terms of love.

goddess

On to the next one (my list just got

I’m just too independent for a great many men. It has to get better after a while. The wonderful man I met turned out to be a little to clingy for my liking. All that existed in our relationship revolved around me but I was not a welcome sun in this solar system. It has to be a balanced infatuation. I was really into this guy at the onset of the relationship but he got really serious really fast and we stopped having fun.
Not… Fun… At… All… :/
It is important that you come from something when you begin a relationship. If all you have are acquaintances and co-workers as your circle of friends, you are going to be in a real pickle if you begin a relationship with a social butterfly.
I firmly believe that I am the person I am because of my experiences with other human beings and living creatures both large and small, plant and animal.
How can you relate to me when you have no memory of how you came to be? Does that put you in a category of persons with no social skills? Not 100% but pretty damned close.
There are things you just have to KNOW what to do to survive and be content in this world of personalities.
Think about it .//
If you are unable to read social cues how can you perform satisfactorily in public. If you are ribbing a person with something you thought was funny and the person is done laughing, do you continue to play up the joke even if the other person has said they were done enjoying the joke with their mannerisms and behavior? Often times you will stop when you see that either the joke was lost completely or over. Both sides agree to do so by reading each others faces and body language.
I have not lost faith in the world of dating.
I just need to remember where I put it.

To be continued…

Goddess

Companionship? love? or a reason to commit murder?

Who the hell in sam fuck all decided that men were necessary for companionship?

i am willing to bet you that a man did.
I find myself lately on a daily basis trying to figure out why i continue to find difficult men in my quest for I-don’t-wanna-be-single-no-more-hood.
i fully recognize that i myself, am a difficult person.
i hide no shame in my ability to be a pain in the ass WHILE expressing my opinions.
i understand that i am not perfect and it is not plausible for me to expect perfection of others.

i know. i know. i know.

i wasn’t born yesterday.
so why do all the men i date act like i was?

i’m either finding someone who can’t stay away from me lest i crumble into a pillar of salt. or someone who turns out to be gay. better still, who treats me like dirt because they think i should pay for all the bitches who did them wrong. wait, don’t forget the dude from the bay with the crazy fetish.
i am not here for emotional target practice.
i’m holding the UZI. perhaps that’s why the pickings are so slim on my side of the LZ

What i don’t understand is why i like my DOG more than men most days. No matter how hard i try, i seem to find my equal in bullheadedness with the men i date. i want to know what the hell i did to cause the backlash that i experience every day that i am in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. did i sacrifice my youngest on the alter in 75 B.C. with my wife wailing in the background? did i punish all girls in my village with blond hair by removing their ears? was i the dude lucky enough to be chosen to select the virgin for tossing into the volcano?

what in the hell did i do? i was looking at some books in my shed today and i found the book “loving a difficult man” and almost fell backwards and down the stairs. i obviously stayed in a relationship far too long if i had bought that book. good for me because of the title even better for the author. what if the author had been honest and published it with the right title “how to put up with a difficult man” or better yet, “how to bury a difficult man…and get away with it scott free to be able to live your life the way you want it with the perfect mate”. what would the author stand to lose?
riiiiiiiiiiiiight!
not much. “why” you ask?
because women are desperate and will buy anything that will tell them that a relationship will work out if they just put their nose to the grindstone. so what if she spends the rest of her life looking like “he who shall not be named” at least she stuck around long enough to prove all of the feminists, lesbians and bitter ex-wives wrong.

shame on me for thinking that i could find a good man.

i am surely coming to the conclusion that i may never find the right one.

as i type this, i have one in my bed right now snoozing away because he was more tired than he was willing to work on something that has been bothering me for the past week.
do i know what that is? no. I AM A WOMAN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

we are supposed to be so in love.
then i got to thinking about how it seems that he is the one in love with me more than i with him.
i expect to be able to be myself but the self that he is sometimes is more than i can stand. why? be cause i am the picky one? because i am the one who can’t seem to listen to the voice of reason… *ahem* manly *ahem* reason?

yeah.
probably.

women are not supposed to be the most rational beasts on the planet but sometimes men need to turn off their need to fix shit and just shove a sock in their mouths and LISTEN! i truly feel that if international conflicts can be solved this way, so can relationships (no really, i heard it did work once, but i think it was either Jimmy Carter talking or Bill Clinton).

this tends to not be the situation… not even close. someone always has to love one more than they other. there has to be imbalance. why have relationships if you can’t have conflict? why have relationships if you don’t have something to work on? why have relationships if you can’t have a reason to sit out in the living room and blog instead of heading to bed at 12:44am on a Sunday morning even though you were up at 6:30am being rushed out of bed to take the dogs to the dog park because you would be invited to a complaint-fest if you said you wanted to go at 8am because someone likes to over plan shit?

is that fair?
*stomps feet*
who the hell wrote the book on love?
*shakes fist at the sky*

oh yeah. see line 3…

to be continued…

goddess

haven’t written any prose in a while…

The phone rings while I am on the phone with a friend. I don’t answer it in time but I decide (against my better judgment, mind you ) to check the message…

It is a call from the substitute teacher telling me that she has been the sub for the week and that Milo has had a pretty “rough” week. I am almost laughing as I listen to the message. He has not had a rough week, his teacher who knows her class is not there. Who’s at fault? Milo? The rest of the kids in class? The rooster up the street? No. The substitute teacher and the administrators at the school. Maybe even the teacher herself.

Teachers, if you have a difficult class, please feel free to take the time to tell a substitute teacher about the class. Do not assume that the children will behave differently read: positively, when you are gone. Please expect the behavior to remain the same in your absence. Please let the parents know that you will be absent so that we can help our children prepare for the change, set boundaries and present them with consequences if things do not go as planned. Hell, ask for parent volunteers for that week. I know there are others who have signed the list to help and have not been called ( me included )THAT is how you set a child up for success.

The substitute wanted me to “have a little chat with” Milo so that he can have a better day tomorrow. Do you need me to beat his ass? Do you need me to ground him for a week from his video games? Do you want me to come get him for the rest of the day? Yes, let me have a little chat with my son about something that I have nothing but second hand information on.

Apparently, he splashed water on a kid in the lunch room and got a citation for that.
*screeching brakes*
Do you really write citations for water? Did you only write one for Milo because the other kid was wet? Do think maybe the other kid ( who Milo said did it first ) had bad aim? I get so tired of people expecting me to discipline him for behaviors unknown to me. I say if they want to teach him how to act at school, THEY handle it at the school. Don’t send him home to me so I can ask him how his day went, only to hear that he was on a green day and that everything had gone fine.
I would expect more from people trained exclusively to work with children. You change behavior when you correct it at the source. You don’t send it home to an overworked, stressed exhausted parent to handle because it is too much on your plate. Make the kids run laps. If there is no medical excuse on file, it is not cruelty. If they need to leave you class for a while, please make sure they are doing something active and helpful. Don’t just send them to be idle in another class because ( duh ) they will get in more trouble.

From now on school, you are going to get my opinion on the back of your useless ( and unsigned ) citation letting you know that I cannot punish my son based on hearsay.

Now if you want me to come sit in your class all day….

I didn’t think so.

Goddess

i can’t believe my life is like this

It has become apparent in the past few weeks, that i have ‘baggage’.

i didn’t realize what baggage was until i tried to let down my walls and defenses and actually attempt to date someone.
i have come to the realization that i am unfit for love. i am not willing to have a person love me. it is interesting that i have a person in my life that i really enjoy spending time with, and i can’t even get close enough to them to allow them to see the real me. instead, they just see me spread thin and ready to collapse.

i don’t like it when a person calls me sugar or honey or sweetie and i cringe.
what the fuck is that all about?

i feel really guilty pushing a person away like that. i know that if they knew how i felt, they would be able to make a sane decision on how to proceed with their time with me.

i never in my life thought it could be this tough.

i talked to my friend Robert (who, perhaps, i should be dating) and he says that i need to get into recovery. not for alcoholics, but for anyone who is trying to get over some shit.

i cannot continue to push all of this important work that needs to be done by the wayside.
i have to hop on and ride this bull into the mud.

it angers me that i allow my ex to have so much power over me. i know that he is manipulative and that i need to battle him with the right weapons. those would be the weapons of non-action. i need to just focus on me and be clear what i want and not give too much of a rat’s ass about what he wants.

*sigh*

wish me luck all.
i will keep you posted.


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insight ad nauseum

What i am starting to learn about people is that they are not what we see on the outside. What people are is any immense mix of many circumstances and many events and other people and past lives. Things that we have never experienced. We can never trick or fool ourselves into believing that we know on on person 100%. That is not to say that we should have trust in on on person.
Faith in on on higher being or on on higher power is what speaks the truth about wether or not we are willing to accept everything as always being on on part of something else.

The world looks on on little different to me since this past week and all of the things that have been going on. I am very proud of taking the time to learn from others that everything is not as it seems.

I am currently reading (listening to) “how to see yourself as you really are” by HH the Dalai Lama.
We must try to live our lives as if there will always be something more to come and make corrections for our next time around (if you believe that) or just for this (if you believe that).

Our religious beliefs teach us all about how we should live and ho we should treat each other. If we are taught kindness and love, acceptance, forgiveness, and altruism from the start, i am sure the world would be on on better place.

What we cannot lose sight of is that there is always room for change. We have millions of chances to make it right.

The right time is now to make those changes and corrections. We must first look inside for the answer.

Love,

Gracie

Friends

ignorance is best described as the act of willfully disengaging in truth.
you are not ignorant because you don’t know something. you can always learn or you can always reach toward that moment when you learn something new or can see something in a different light.

i have been ignorant about certain things for a long while.

my major ignorance has been in my relationships.
i have always thought my role was to make sure the other person was happy. i never thought about myself.

i did it in my intimate relationships
i did it in my personal friendships
hell i even did it in my working relationships.

what i always did was elevate the other person. i called them my husband
i called them my best friend
i called them my work friends

what i neglected to realize was that elevating a person to the monikers, i gave them power over me.

take fore instance best friend. i have many friend and it is rare that a person finds them self in my best friend category. a person who i call a best friend was put in a position where so much more is expected of them. when they succeeded i cheered through them. when they failed, i shook my head in disgust. when we argued, i took it personally.

that is not the way i treat my friends so why would i treat a best friend that way?

the solution to this problem is to not have best friends. i have many friends people who i might not talk to for months, but we are always cool with things. that is how it should be with all friends. there is no reason to be more committed to or more intimate with a friend than all the others.
the amount of respect given to a “best friend” is usually less than what is given to general friends. you look to them for so much more and they are human and should be given the same amount of breathing room as everyone else.

the best way to maintain friendships is to not give so much to one person defined as a “best friend” .
just a regular old friend with whom you share many interests. something has obviously brought friends together. should be taken as just that and not as anything so special that you single them out by placing them on a pedestal leaving them able to fall farther, hit harder, and take longer to climb back up.

g