take your pick asshole, asphyxiation or the mouth of an active volcano?

I have been trying so hard to maintain a certain level of calm with regard to some of the things my son’s father does and i guess i have reached the end of my proverbial rope.

let me nail down some facts….

1. been divorced almost 9 years

2. been raising genius XY most on my own for those 9 years

3. genius XY was a vegetarian from birth

4. all that changed when i added fish

5. changed some more when i added chicken to our diet

somewhere between 5. and now, dad decided that it would be practical to sway genius XY from eating chicken. his plan:

1. constant discussion about how i am not following his plan of raising genius XY; i.e., raising him catholic and not TM style, raising him as a black child and not a white one (stew on this one for a while), not keeping him away from his ‘dangerous’ family members (in quotes for a reason), and not keeping him a vegetarian.

2. making genius XY feel guilty for eating meat

3. having genius XY watch a film “Meet Your Meat” from PETA on the care of farm raised chickens, aka chickens slaughtered for human consumption.

now back to my list…

6. chicken is cheap

7. chicken is easier to prepare 1,000,000 different ways

8. chicken is tasty

i have been cool, calm, and collected long enough but i guess i just have to vent here because i can’t change who my son’s father is. i can just change how i react to him. as a result, Goddess has decided to let it all out in my blog, then keep it movin’.

genius XY watching ‘Meet Your Meat’ has caused absolute CHAOS at my fucking dinner table. not an evening has gone by when i haven’t had to sit down to eat a meal of chicken to watch my child pick and nibble at his meal short of tears because he has so much trouble eating The Chickens. he is all fucked up over parts of the chicken and parts of what he sees of the film while he is eating. did his father not recognize that this would happen?

absol-fuckin-lutely not!he meant best but he doesn’t feed him meat at his home so he doesn’t have to deal with this.

perhaps he thought that milo would just make a decision to stop eating meat like Lisa Simpson did and all would be good in the hood. downside to this is that genius XY is not a able to give up chicken because his mother buys chicken that was alright until “Meet Your Meat”.

tonight i’d had it and i explained to him why i am always so cranky at dinner time. it is because his father has committed a terrorist act on the sanctity of my home and dropped a table side incendiary device onto my dining room and kitchen.

i feel like i am punishing him everytime i feed him chicken and i can’t afford to go out and buy the tender veggie nuggets or make him tofu because he will then be VERY hungry before bedtime because he is a growing boy!!!!!!

i want to choke the shit out of this man on a good day and drop him into the mouth of an active volcano on days like this.

image

Goddess (yes, the very angry one )

no more crack smoking during parenting hours

 

was i wrong to decide to have an only child?

Milo: mom?
Goddess: huh?
Milo: i got a question for you.
Goddess: (mutters under her breath) i guess i can’t say no. yeah, go ahead.
Milo: if you had the choice, would you be a vampire or a werewolf?
Goddess: i guess i would pick the werewolf
Milo: (walks away dejected. only had a philosophical rant to share if i had answered to the former)
Milo: (pokes head back in doorway) that’s okay, because you don’t have to die. vampires have to be dead for like a whole day.
Goddess: (smiles)
god i wish this kid had siblings.
Goddess

My future: destined to be poor, yet filthy rich in joy

Goddess is in a quandary and truly needs to find her way out FAST!!!!

The Do i really need to be filthy rich with money?
is it necessary that i find a way to be comfortable rather than a person who wipes their ass with 50’s?
i have had this sinking feeling over the past few weeks that i am going to be “not rich” for the rest of my life. it’s actually depressing to sit and think about all the great things you have to offer then realize that you may have to take a vow of poverty to achieve that success.

i want to give back to my community, to my family, to people i love.
i don’t want to do it while having to collect cans and bottles to eat.

i am running into a shortfall for income and i now have to look into going back into the corporate world. i know that i will be so horribly miserable if i go back. i won’t last long. i need to feel that the services i offer are worth enough that those willing to partake in them are willing to come out of pocket just a little bit.

i just don’t feel in my heart that people nowadays understand what is truly important.

here is a list

run a website called . it is geared toward being a one stop shop for parents in the local area to locate resources and support groups. you know things that HELP

offer finishing school for children. children are so rude and nasty today. there is a definite need to correct the behaviors of the future of our world

open a daycare. daycare really translates into “i’ll watch your kid, you pay me barely nothing and i get to take your shit and worry about whether you are going to close me down because you THINK i have the POTENTIAL for abuse or neglect because you are having trouble pulling the plank out of your own eye”

i am growing sad and even more sad as the day passes.

something has to change. my negativity is growing and quite frankly, i may just need a desk job to keep my head afloat while i continue to dream about helping people that really don’t give a shit about what they actually could benefit from.

because you know help is ALWAYS free. handouts are ALWAYS the job of someone else. and what’s yours is ALWAYS mine. didn’t they teach you that in finishing school.

Goddess

It takes a Village of Whup Ass to raise a child:back from the dark side

Perhaps I am being naive. Maybe I am being negative or maybe simply ignorant, but I am NOT angry. The last time I checked, no matter how much you study a particular culture you will never be able to rename your identity.

There is a possibility that I am just bitter with or tired of dealing with young teachers who believe they are being treated unjustly because they aren’t whatever ethnic group they have studied, researched, hung out with, or grew up around. So much that they may deem themselves “experts” on that topic.

Don’t get me wrong, if you were raised in a black family, then you for sure are as black as the next one. I know how it is, you trip when people grip their purses tightly as you walk by or guard their children in the playground because THEY are intimidated by little children.

My belief is that it takes far too much energy to think past the color of a person’s skin and see them for who they really are… HUMAN!

Learn all you want about a culture in your studies. Offer an academic perspective based on studies but don’t write the “cultural education bible” based on what you assume as opposed to what you have LIVED!

Just a thought from your friendly neighborhood

Goddess

It takes a Village of Whup Ass to raise a child…

whoever decided that it takes a village to raise a child must have been out of their damned mind when they coined that phrase. granted, it is a phenomenal phrase to use when you are trying to convince a new parent to ask for help from family and friends before they toss their baby out into the swirling currents of the local river in a torrential downpour.
a can of whup ass can be defined many ways. depending on the culture you participate in, it can be a pat on a diaper with a hand when the baby repeatedly pulls the dogs ear or picks the cat up by the throat, to a parent out of their mind with fury, love, and a passionate need to correct offspring so they don’t lose their job at the other end of a section of water hose and a visit from CPS!

yes. it is a broad category of love,structure, and consequences.

is there a way to have a serious discussion with regard to how children should be raised as opposed to how the textbooks tell us they should be raised?

i believe there is a middle ground that allows for “spoil the rod, spoil the child” without warranting a call to CPS.
it is perfectly okay for parents to determine the environment in which their children will be raised. the parents create the environment, set up the rules and expectations of the CULTURE are what are exhibited by the children.
the difficulty is managing your household and family culture against what society has deemed “acceptable”.

i dare the village that used the can of whup ass principle to raise children to define “acceptable”.

here is my account of interviews that occurred within a fictional village that i visited on my way to Vacaville State Hospital.

Goddess: how do you utilize a can of whup ass?

Bettina Mae: A Can of Whup Ass is best utilized to light up a child when necessary.

Oscarlisha Jean: heh heh! you said that right girl! snatchin’ up a child ain’t no sin. when you want it quiet, you just say you gon’ open up a Can of Whup Ass and they snap right to attention.

Bettina Mae: now don’t get us wrong Missus Science Lady, we don’t beat our children and leave them in misery. we beat them with love and we make sure they know what a real beatin’ is. they don’t go to the school tellin’ folk they go a beatin’ on tuesday on GP (general principal). they tell the folks that they “got in trouble”.

Oscarlisha Jean: mmmm hmmmm. you said that right girl. our children don’t run and hide from us. we ain’t messin’ wit they minds! we correctin’ they SOULS.

Bobbie Smooth: preach on OJ! if yo child ain’t right with the Lord then you ain’t done yo job right.

Goddess: so if you were taken into court and charged with child abuse, what would be your defense?

Bettina Mae: I’d tell ’em that if they think they can do a bettah job, they can take ’em and raise them theyselfs

Bobbie Smooth: *slaps knee with hand* hoooweee! my baby momma did just that and you know what that judge said?

Oscarlisha Jean: who dat?

Bobbie Smooth: that judge shook his head and said “take yo kids home and make sure they know the right story to tell next time someone wants to go snoopin’ in bidness they ain’t got no bidness in!”

Bettina Mae: Missus Science Lady, the fish fry is about done and it is time to stir the grits, can you come on back round later and we will let you know mo later.

goddess

Motherhood… How I love thee… Part #trois

so goes the rest of the saga. i let Milo out from the abusive blathering of his father to walk him out of the house. i snooped around the corner at the cat tower because i wanted to hear what he had to say.
the conversation pretty much goes like this:
Dad: what you did waswrong Milo and i am not happy with the way you have been acting lately
Milo: (silence)
Dad: i have always treated you like a friend and i am not not going to be able to do it that way. like i said before i am going to have to come down harder on you and i don’t want to do that
Milo: (sighs)
Dad: do you want me to give you what i gave you today? (backhanded slap)
Milo: no
Dad: okay so just remember… what you did today has tarnished our relationship and i don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was. i love you and even though you are my biological son, i have begun to love you less and am sure how much longer i can be a part of your life if you continue to do what you are doing.
Milo: (silence)
his dad walked away without giving Milo a hug or telling him he loved the boy. what he did say was
“Stop fucking up!” as he walked to his car.

some days i really want to just find a dark hole to put that man in forever. i don’t get how he thinks that the actions of a 9 year old boy is going to end a relationship that sucks anyway. you are supposed to love your children unconditionally regardless of the facg tht ehy mess up. there is a reason why we as parents spend our time and precious energy teaching our children right from wrong and sacrificing for better outcomes for our children.
i am confused as to why he would even think to elevate the child to the level of an equal with him and then drop bombs on him.

dad needs a sedative and my son needs a father.

goddess

A new chapter in my life…

I am taking an adaptive Physical Education class and I am having a blast in it. The class is an introduction to the instruction of PE to children s with disabilities. As a part of the class, we are required to do service hours with a few projects around town. I chose project Play. We have many children who are brought together from the area with mild to moderate disabilities. Children in this program can be working with Autism, Down’s syndrome, Intellectual Disabilities and some physical disabilities.

Tonight was my first night and I was assigned Jacob*. He came with his grandmother Verne*. He is staying with Verne while his mom is on active duty in the military. Jacob has high functioning Autism. He is bright as everything and so willing to direct and make sure everything is done to his liking.

I filled out an info card with Verne and then went to play (he would not come to meet me so I had to go out and initiate contact). Jacob has some issues with socialization and behavior. He is an only child so it is complicated by the fact that he is not the most social child and already is the center of his universe by his circumstance.

We played. I mean we PLAYED. He wasn’t sure how to start so he ran from corner to corner trying to find things to do. We played with some bouncy balls and then I could see his mind switch on. He got a jump rope and proceeded to turn a basketball hoop into a trap for bouncy balls. It was interesting to see that many people around him seemed to think that he was having trouble doing what he liked. He would take a large ball and put it in a tube so that it would block the exit. He would then stuff as many balls as he wanted into it to make an avalanche. I watched and watched and watched him. I wanted to see how he was doing. He was having a ball until an adult came by to “help” him. She took the ball out and I could see his fists clench and his face turn down and his elbows go out. He was ready for a fight.

Let’s just say that distraction is a wonderful thing and works even better when you are in a gym filled with toys. We found something else to do and he ran me for the entire 90 minutes I was there. He wanted to collect balls and it took me a minute to recognize that he only wanted one kind of ball. BLUE! I could not figure out why he was ignoring so many other balls. THAT was exhausting and I had a fear that we were going to be going around all night looking for every blue ball so I helped him along by making it a hunt. We found all of the balls.

Jacob is working on sharing and his socialization skills. So I worked on him asking for things from some of the other kids. He would have me start then he would finish. It took a while to go to the other kid who loved to collect balls. He crept up to the side of the play structure the other child was in and tried to start the conversation, when up popped the other child offering him a ball. You should have seen his eyes light up!

At the same time, another group of kids had gotten a hold of the balls that he had so diligently collected and began to spread them through the gym. I hopped into distraction mode and let him know that we needed to go look for something else blue. That came in the form of the roller turtle. You know those little things we used to have races with at the roller rinks when we were kids? I chased and chased and chased and yeah. I’m still tired.

My ass was exhausted. I had to sit down so I asked him to count the balls with me. He was more than willing to watch me count but didn’t want to help. Oh well, this is called Project Play. So I counted (and RESTED) and he watched.

Jacob has high functioning Autism. Most people would look at him now and think he was a kid with only behavior problems if they did not know his history. His mother knew something was not going right with her son’s development and she took it upon herself to make sure that services were in place. She did a fabulous job because he is functioning at a level that will make things more manageable as time goes on. For him and for his teachers and peers.

I have to admit it, I am the kind of person who will fall in love with a child at first sight or make up my mind that I don’t want to work with them as well. He is a challenge, but I am enjoying my time. When it was time to go, he switched to “NO” mode. That was a little difficult to deal with but he recognized that I was not going to tolerate that for long. He was running and playing and scooting around on the turtle and was not ready to go. I reminded him of all the things I did for him and let him know that I have a little boy that I have to get home to and take care of.

We got him to put up the toys and headed out the door and we waked to the car. I chatted with Verne on the way out and started to walk to my car.

Jacob grabbed my arm and took me back to Verne’s car, opened the car door and motioned for me to come with them. I let him know that I was sorry I could not go but that I would see him next time and into the car he went.

I am going to love this physically exhausting opportunity. I was not sure if I could offer any more love to a child and there I was handing out more.

Even though she is gone….

i am still haunted by the things she did behind my back. i am losing it over my cell phone bill. she has not enough common sense or conscience to realize that she cannot take a phone that was given to her for contact with home and add 26 dollars worth of ring tones?
yes i am still in not so happy mood but, but damn! is there a way to cleanse my live of the irritation?

some people will say to pray. been there done that still doing that
some people recommend retail therapy. broke and jobless. plus i am paying for the bills she racked up while here.
some people say to let it go. check out my answer to retail therapy part three.

i still want to shake her parents.
i want to shake fate for dealing her such a blow.
i want to yell at the chromosomes in her body for jacking her up beyond what i can handle
i want to napalm the system. they let her down like no child should be let down.

wow! i guess i will have to stick to my same advice that i give to myself and VENT!

in time it will get better.
i pray.

goddess

Breathing on my own again…

I get to have my life back. I wonder what kind of life i had that made me want to give it up so easily.

Foster parenting. I have had the very best/worst (depends on who you are) initiation a person could ever have into foster parenting. I think that the most important thing in foster care is the parents. if you take the time and energy to make sure that your parents are prepared and ready to encounter the children who come through their homes, the children will be headed into a far better situation.

in my situation with my first foster child, what i got was a hazing like i pledged a college sorority. i didn’t want to have a rough time with a child. i didn’t want to resent the fact that i was attempting to parent a child in a way that was more than foreign to me and not working to boot. there is a lot of psychological child raising that is not working with the human element.
I know you can praise your dogs and they will do good for you. when you work with children, you begin to notice that you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog when it comes to your ability to train a child but someone out there writing these books may want to consider having some children of their own before telling those of us who do how to raise them.

they have personalities. they have opinions. worst of all, they have rights.

more rights than you; an over the age of 18, 21, able to drink, vote and get shot in a war have.

when did they decide that children needed more rights than adults? when people who abused their children got careless. i am sure for many generations it was okay to “spare the rod or spoil the child”. this worked when you had children who did not go to school because of the harvest and a solid beating was enough to keep them doing their work so that the family wouldn’t starve or freeze over the winter.
industrialized civilization had to find a place to put all the crumb-snatchers while the parents were out working in the cities in factories during the war effort and beating out a meager existence when Wall Street crashed.

what happened is that children became known as the less capable of humans.

those less capable of caring for themselves had to be protected from those whose place it was to care for them.

systems put in place led us to where we are now.

Goddess