Breathing on my own again…

I get to have my life back. I wonder what kind of life i had that made me want to give it up so easily.

Foster parenting. I have had the very best/worst (depends on who you are) initiation a person could ever have into foster parenting. I think that the most important thing in foster care is the parents. if you take the time and energy to make sure that your parents are prepared and ready to encounter the children who come through their homes, the children will be headed into a far better situation.

in my situation with my first foster child, what i got was a hazing like i pledged a college sorority. i didn’t want to have a rough time with a child. i didn’t want to resent the fact that i was attempting to parent a child in a way that was more than foreign to me and not working to boot. there is a lot of psychological child raising that is not working with the human element.
I know you can praise your dogs and they will do good for you. when you work with children, you begin to notice that you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog when it comes to your ability to train a child but someone out there writing these books may want to consider having some children of their own before telling those of us who do how to raise them.

they have personalities. they have opinions. worst of all, they have rights.

more rights than you; an over the age of 18, 21, able to drink, vote and get shot in a war have.

when did they decide that children needed more rights than adults? when people who abused their children got careless. i am sure for many generations it was okay to “spare the rod or spoil the child”. this worked when you had children who did not go to school because of the harvest and a solid beating was enough to keep them doing their work so that the family wouldn’t starve or freeze over the winter.
industrialized civilization had to find a place to put all the crumb-snatchers while the parents were out working in the cities in factories during the war effort and beating out a meager existence when Wall Street crashed.

what happened is that children became known as the less capable of humans.

those less capable of caring for themselves had to be protected from those whose place it was to care for them.

systems put in place led us to where we are now.

Goddess

where did the time go?

it is next to impossible to blog when you are a single mother caring for two exceptional children. i have been thinking of topics for a while now and i truly haven’t been able to get it going. i had to post today because we are on the birth control, boyfriend, sex tip today.
DD had a sore throat and demanded that i take her to the doctor. i brought up a whole bunch of other stuff since we were there
i mentioned the boyfriend and then we launched into a question and answer series from hell.

only downside….

i could not be in the room. with my intellectually disabled daughter. i made the suggestions that needed to be made and then was asked to leave the room. WTF!!!!

grrrrrrrrrr

i stood out there in the hall for close to 20 minutes with my damned feet falling asleep wondering if i was going to pass out when they did call me back into the room. DD came out to take a test and the doctor casually slipped over to me and said “boy you do have your hands full” it was all i could do to keep from laughing. i know my hands are full and the most important thing for me is to keep that childs uterus from becoming full with a child that she has NO IDEA how to care for.

it is amazing how many conversations we have had about sex and birth control and choices in contraception and what will work best for her at her stage of development. it is like a kid in a candy store. i hand her condoms and she is off to the races. i don’t hand her the condoms and she is off to the morgue. it is not a toss-up. i have to do the right thing. she just has to show me that she knows how to use them. i think i will have the boyfriend tell me the same too.

i am a little worried about some of the professionals though. some people think it is cute to have two MR diagnosed people dating. it is not cute when they finally find where they penis goes into the vagina and bam!!. we have babies. and not prepared parents. some days … it’s just… not… cute. Dammit!

i spoke to them today and explained to them that the age of consent in California is 18 for male and female. they are both minors however and it is legal until he turns 18. i lied and told them that it is illegal because she is 3 years younger than him. truly they should not be having sex until he is 21 and she is 18. three years difference is a felony and two years is a misdemeanor. is it really worth it?

goddess

advice on divorce

i will start by saying that women have a tendency to
think they can still remain the best of friends when
there is a break up.
i mean it would be easier… right?

that is nowhere near the case. IMHO riiiiight…

it does happen, but i must say it is very rare.
when i got divorced, i did not become “My ex wife, my best
friend”. i became “my ex wife, that backstabbing
conniving bitch who ruined my life” :).

i am not saying that all men are bad, but taking the
initial steps toward divorce is probably going to
bring out the worst in any man.
Plus, taking into account the fact that a majority of man are hard wired to have shorter fuses….
i shall say no more.

i also have found that you will have many personality
shifts exhibited by your ex. he will try to be
the best man he can be. showing you all the things he
could not do within your marriage to try to change
your mind about your very well thought out and adult
decision. don’t fall prey to his surface improvements,
unless you want to put your kids through what will seem like,
to them,
a lifetime of unhappy as grown people in their lives.

on the flip side of that, YOU have to behave yourself
also with regard to the decisions. think of it as a business event. you are just
handling business. it helps you to distance yourself
from some of the emotions that might back you into a
corner.

i believe the internet is not a reason to divorce. i
know that there are a lot of things done on the
internet that perhaps are not the most appreciated in
your house. but…
men are men. (sorry to those who are perfect in every way and are never even thought about having another woman backed up on the hard drive)

the stuff you read (IM, emails, etc. ) are fantasy.
how he is dealing with his fantasy and real worlds is
the real question.

every last bit of energy must be exhausted BY YOU in
order to make the last step to end your marriage.

with my former husband, i tried counseling. not just with the hospital
but with the church, with friends, with family and even a private therapist yet he
would have nothing of it. i went through mediation at
the courthouse to try and get him to see that things
could be different only if he would make a change.
what i failed to see at that time, was that it was not
my place to try and teach or make him be a better
person. it is all up to him. when i realized that all
i was responsible for was my own shit and my kid,
things changed….

if you cannot deal with his level of pollution in your
space and in your life, move on.

there are things you are going to have to deal with
because you are changing the dynamic of the children
in your home. things may improve. things may get
worse, but any way you look at it, things will be
changing.

with the former husband, i spent about 3 years getting mentally
prepared and financially sound to leave my marriage.
i find that keeping your wits about you and crying when you need
to will release anger and allow you to continue on the forward path.

even leaving a really bad marriage, you will find that
you have to a loss is a loss.
you still have to allow time to mourn that loss.
you will do just fine.

be strong men and women,
make sure you are certain… very certain. before you
move on.

and then grab that bull by the horns and git ‘er done!

love,

goddess

The school from hell

there is such a thing as a poor education. i have seen it in a few instances in my life.
a parent sometimes thinks that they are doing the right thing by their children by putting them in schools that push academics.
there is so much more than academics. there is the heart of a child. i see no reason whatsoever for my child to be in a school where they rank academics and numbers over your child.

I’m sorry but to have your child in a school where a majority of the teachers don’t even have children of their own is a problem.
My son goes to a school where academics are paramount but the teachers have it stuck in their minds that the children can recognize, and modify behavior on their own.
my son was in the office when i got there today.
he pulled a yellow for staring off into space
he pulled a blue for talking in line
he pulled an orange for talking in the library
he pulled a red for talking in line again
and he pulled a black for playing with his pants during reading time.
the black got him sent to detention in the office. not to the principal where they could have a discussion about the actions that got them there in the first place.
the teacher does nothing but tell the child they are going to pull a card. granted, the child does know why they are pulling the card after the fact.
the child is not building upon any lessons given to them from the teacher.

my son is listening and does not need to see the teacher to learning.
teachers want children rapt with excited anticipation at the next word that will come out of their minds.
how do you teach a blind student who can’t see you?
how do you teach a Deaf student who can’t hear you?

you don’t send them to the office if they are getting the lesson and not causing a distraction.

…The School That Shall Not Be Named is a non-profit organization that opens and operates small, high-performing public charter schools that are preparing the most under served students for college. We provide our educators with the tools and support they need to provide a high quality, personalized education for every The School That Shall Not Be Named student. Our small schools and small classes give you the chance to know every student and his/her family at a personal level. Our network of schools across the state provide you with incredible opportunities to grow personally and professionally in various roles across the organization. We hope you join us in this important work for the children of California!

i am so glad i knew when to run. for my child’s sake and for mine.

bleh

goddess

*sings like MJ* she’s outta my life……

I have had to come up with a truly defined reason as to why i am going to have to let DD go.

my son.

he is a very caring giving child. hell, he is 9 and he still carries around his teddy bear in the house and to sleepovers. the issue that we have in my home is that DD is so very reactive that she has become a very shiny object for my son to hunt down and bat around every time she comes around.

it has caused so much grief and upheaval in the home. it is fine time that he learn to be quiet. but because of all of her absolutely insane behavior, he has taken a stance that she either doesn’t matter to anyone so he can just take after her or that she obviously wants the attention so why not?

i am convinced that her incorrigible behavior is contagious. she has taken my little chocolate mild-mannered Clark Kent and turned him into the freakin’ Goblin.

he zooms in and out of her world tormenting her like seagulls at the end of a potato chip festival. you get my drift?
swooping and diving and not too careful about who they crash into. just so they can get the loot.

i know that we might have been the Alamo for DD.

i pray to God that i am wrong

goddess

As promised… A new blog series…

I have decided to go back to blogging. I have started a new chapter in my life. One that includes managing the lives of those whose lives have either been poorly managed or whose lives have never been managed well by the adults entrusted to their well-being.

FOSTER CARE

It seemed pretty easy when I signed up with the agency. I was gung-ho. I had worked through it with my then 8-year-old and he was on board. All we had to do was wait…
And wait we did. No calls. No letters. No updates. If anything, we had false starts and failed communication. This was no one’s fault though. This is how it goes when you have multiple agencies trying to place a child as quickly as possible.

Then came the call and the request.

“You can meet her Gracie at the Christmas party.”

I asked how old this child was and they said 14.
Hmmmmmm…… 14.
I raised my niece from 15 to 19. This couldn’t be that hard.

I met the girl at the party and she seemed nice enough. I met the family that she lived with and it seemed okay.
I let them know that she could come stay with me…….
Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

This new blog series entitled “My daughter in a haze” is about my foster daughter. She is enchanting, very clever, loves to tell stories and is remarkably angry.
I discovered these things along the way during her stay with my son and I.

It has opened my eyes to a world I knew about but had never participated in as a parent.

My life is forever changed.

I have yet to check my feelings on this one.

Stay tuned.

Goddess